My money troubles are over!!!

Times are tough. That's certainly not news to anybody that isn't the CEO of a failing bank or insurance giant. Many people, including myself, have felt rising stress and pressure due to the poor economy and what it could mean for them and their family. Well, they say God works in mysterious ways, and I am hear to tell you my prayers have been answered. Just take a look at what appeared in my Inbox this morning, and try not to be too jealous:

Dear Friend,

Compliments of the season and my best wishes to you, I apologize if the contents here under are contrary to your moral ethics, but please treat with absolute secrecy and personal.

My name is Mr. Clarence Lim, I'm a Singaporean and a seasoned Banker with Malaysia HSBC Bank (Malaysia office), am as well an account officer to a deceased customer of our bank, we lost this customer in the tsunami disaster on the 26th December 2004 in Sumatra Indonesia and his account of US$19.761 million with us have been unclaimed due to unavailability of next of kin/relatives to claim his estate.

In accordance with the escheat laws in Malaysia as a kingdom, the board of directors of the bank met forth night ago and resolved to turn the estate of the deceased over to Government having waited for too long without the deceased relatives/next of kin surfacing property and if this is done, invariably, the funds will end up to become Government property and it is as a result of this that am moved to contact you considering the fact that you share almost the same name with the deceased.

In view of this, I am seeking your cooperation and understanding to stand as the deceased next of kin to enable us claim the inheritance before the period given by the bank elapse. If you are interested and in agreement with me, get back to me quickly and I will send to you all our bank contacts and the information you may need to proceed without coming to Malaysia, and be rest assured that it is risk free project and the proceedings will be shared 50% each once the fund are repatriated into your account anywhere in the world.

Please reply immediately with your information including your telephone number for easy communication and oral discussion.

I await your prompt response immediately.

Best Regards.

Mr. Clarence Lim."

Now first of all, I owe Mr. Lim an apology. He asked me to treat this e-mail with absolute secrecy and personal. Obviously, english is not his first language (he is a Singaporean after all), but the message was clear. Be discreet. But gosh darn it all, it's hard to keep such awesome news and good fortune under one's hat when you have just been handed the keys to Easy Street! I am sure Mr. Lim will understand.

Despite his penchant for poor grammar and run-on sentences (remember, he is a Singaporean after all!), I am in awe that this kind man has chosen to give me a share of the 19.761 million dollars that the unfortunate deceased client has left behind. And all because my last name is almost the same as that of said dead person! At first i thought this must be too good to be true, but then I re-read the e-mail and it is all right there to see, plain as the nose on my face! I must say that though I am delighted to be receiving so much good fortune (and money!), I will be reluctant to use the Malaysian banking system in the future, as they apparently have some really far-out rules and regulations. But I digress.

Once I verified that this offer was legit (by carefully re-reading the e-mail), I promptly responded so as not to be shut out of this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. It asked for my information and telephone number. Now I wasn't sure what information they wanted (next time don't be so vague, Mr. Lim!), so I figured I better just send it all. So along with my telephone number (with area code, of course; I bet they have different area codes in Malaysia and/or Singapore after all!) I sent them the following information:
Full name, date of birth, social security number, every living family member's name, DOB and SS number (duh!), credit card numbers and expiration dates, height, weight, tattoos, birthmarks, vices, nasty thoughts, troubling tendencies, pictures of me fully nude to provide visual evidence of birthmarks/tattoos, pictures of my wife fully nude to sort of grease the wheel if you know what I mean, pictures of my kids naked (hey, tastefully done and in no way pornographic, I assure you!) and pictures of naked friends/ex-lovers/total strangers that I have accrued over the years. If this doesn't seal the deal, I have also offered to give them a 10% "finder's fee" from the fortune that awaits me.

I don't want to be rude or anything, but obviously if (when!) this comes through for me, I shan't be bothered with blogging anymore. So wish me luck and know that when I cease to blog here, I have indeed had my wildest dreams come true. Heck, they are probably busy right at this moment, setting up my offshore account. Good luck to all of you; may you each find your own Singaporean banker/Genie to help you through these most trying financial times!