Losing Mark

My cousin Mark finally lost his long battle with a terrible, devastating illness. I knew this was probably coming one day but in a way it is still quite a shock. He was about my age and we did a lot together when were were both little. I reconnected with him years later and we talked quite a bit by phone back then. He was an avid sports fan and I can still remember how disappointed we both were when St. Louis was bypassed for an NFL expansion franchise in the early 90's. A couple of years later we celebrated like hell when the Rams decided to move to St. Louis.

I'll remember a lot about him. He was one heck of a baseball player when he was young. Just a lights-out hitter and a fine fielder as well. For a little guy he had some surprising pop in his bat. I remember my grandpa taking pictures of him during his games. When I saw one years later, of him following through on a base hit, I was struck by how beautiful his swing was. Just picture perfect. Everything was right: his head position, the placement of his hands, his legs. It was a thing of beauty. I wonder if I can get a copy of that picture to remember him by.

We also had many, many long and involved conversations. He was a solid, logical thinker and once he took a position, he rarely changed his mind. He was passionate about whatever we talked about. Later, his illness wouldn't allow such conversations to be possible. But I'll always remember him being a great guy to talk to.

And so he is gone now, and I feel empty but also a bit relieved, for him. He suffered a great deal and of course those around him suffered and hurt so much too. Trying to capture my feelings right now is difficult; it's still raw, as I only learned of his passing a couple of hours ago. But if you'll allow me to make a silly analogy, I'll try to explain. In the movie "Saving Private Ryan," Tom Hanks plays a brave army captain who leads his men with great valor. But during the quiet times, his hand shakes uncontrollably. He never lets his men see this for fear that they will lose faith in him, but it bothers him greatly. After succeeding in his last mission, he is killed by a German rifleman. And the camera pans down to show his hand, steady at last.

I know my cousin Mark is steady at last. Rest in peace, Mark. I love you.